My New Job and Other Blessings

I've been so busy the past few weeks that I realized I haven't posted about my personal goings-on.

A job! I got a job! A few weeks ago I got a job for the holidays at the Church Distribution Center. I absolutely love it there. Every shift opens with a prayer meeting--prayer, thought and hymn--and we build testimonies and give compliments for 30 minutes. Where else can you find that in a job? I am working with the nicest people and I LOVE the spirit there. It has been a real boon to my soul to have that extra spiritual support. I've been dealing with a pretty severe trial for the past several years that is a hard one to wrestle with, and it has been such a blessing to work "for the Lord." In fact, my first day there in prayer meeting (I felt like I was sitting with my mouth hanging open the whole time), one of the sisters talked about trials and gave an analogy that really helped me. She compared trials to boiling water, and said that when a carrot is put into boiling water, it softens. When an egg is put into boiling water, it hardens. It's up to us to decide whether we will become hardened by our trials, or whether we we become soft and learn what Heavenly Father wants us to learn from them. I thought of how many times I've been an egg bobbing around in my boiling water. I'm working harder on being a carrot.

Something interesting about this job is that once things settled down with Brittany's meds and dr. visits, I thought that maybe it was a good time to start working again part-time. I almost immediately got the thought to apply there, and found out they had just barely put the hiring sign out. They scheduled the interview very quickly, and once I had my initial interview had an offer within a week. I was told that the process takes longer. The manger told us in that first prayer meeting that no one is hired there by coincidence, that we were there for a reason. I really felt Heavenly Father's hand in this.

About two weeks before interviewing, I started water aerobics. It was very scary for me because I am not exactly Hot Mom of the Year in a swimsuit, my very large swimsuit! I bought my very large swimsuit about a year ago and decided that once I lost about 40 pounds I would start water aerobics. I've been having a lot of trouble with an injured knee and it's been really hard to exercise for the past few months, then realized I was at the weight my goal was for putting the swimsuit on, and I was like, "Oh crap." But I did it! I got there early and was so nervous that people would be mean to me, but it was just the opposite. And I feel GLORIOUS in the water. It is one of the kindest, most healing things I've done for myself in years and years. I'm able to exercise much harder because I don't have to worry so much about impact from my weight. And my knee is doing so much better.

I have felt such an outpouring of the Spirit in helping me deal with the trial I have mentioned. It has been difficult and is one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was raped as a little girl, and I can testify firsthand as to what that does to a person. Flashbacks and fears that come out of nowhere, questions of why that happened to me and it wasn't prevented. . .these are only a few of the consequences. When I started remembering I didn't understand what was going on and I didn't want to believe it. I've struggled with feelings of bitterness toward God that I was in that position, and felt horrible for feeling that way. Some days I've felt like giving God the finger instead of reaching to draw closer to Him. I've dealt with horrible depression that even with medication wouldn't go away because of how I felt about myself, and because meds didn't fix the root of the problem. For several years I had the hardest time allowing myself to go to sleep because I was scared to dream, and would make myself stay up until I was absolutley exhausted--usually between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. The extreme amount of weight I've put on over the years is a result of me eating to fill the gaping hole I have felt inside. Doing the healing work has been hard and painful, and I've been largely alone in this because I hesitate to tell anyone. Kelly knows and has been very patient and supportive over the years.

My children know, too. Not all the gory details but they've needed to know as they've gotten older, when they've seen me not doing well. I didn't post today with the intent of talking about this, but as I've talked about the outpouring of blessings and how healing they are it just came out because this is what I've needed healing from. Someday when my kids read this I want them to be reminded of what the consequences of abuse are because they've witnessed many of those effects. I want them to also know that healing is possible and that the Lord has helped me so much. It's been a long process and I'm finally coming out the other end.